papa – Page 8 – Welker Fam

daddy’s worry and love

I don’t even know where to start right now, it’s just so crazy, it’s like there is so much love that I don’t even know what to do with myself.

I find myself on the verge of tears at least a couple of times a day, and all because of this little bundle of person that I helped create and now have to deal with. The sleep thing is a little annoying, but I’m hoping that it will be worth it later on, but it’s so hard to see right now through all the confusing emotion and worry. Worry like I’ve never had before, it fills my entire day, I worry about things that most likely will never happen, but if they were to, would completely crush both me and Chels, and I’m pretty sure would cause a rift to come between us that we would never be able to fix, so not only would I lose the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, but I would lose the other most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.

It’s so hard to even put into words what I feel, I feel intense love for Skye, and it almost makes me sick. And at the same time, I feel the most intense worry. worry that someday I might not be around to see her grow, and be there for her, but I take a little solace in the fact that if anything were to ever happen to me, that she would know through these journals, and through family telling her, how much I loved here when I was here.

I don’t know why I keep thinking that something is going to happen, it’s like everything is too good to be true, and it can’t happen for me, and that the universe must be off kilter because it has happened, and now that it has, I have no idea what to do. I feel like sometimes, I just need to leave her for just a while so that I can regain some of what I had before she arrived, and I don’t mean that she has mad me give up things in my life, which if things go as they have been going, she may very well do just that… but I mean that I just want to get away from these crazy intense emotions that are turning me into a complete wreck. I don’t know what to do with all this love, I’ve never felt love like this before, and I certainly don’t know what to do with all this worry. It feels like I’m being torn in two by these two very powerful emotions, and my body just doesn’t know how to react to them.

It’s going to be extremely difficult to go back to work, I can already see myself worrying about her all day, and not even being able to work. I have no doubts about Chelsea’s ability as a mother, but there are things that I can’t control when I’m not here that really bother me, like what if Chelsea falls down the stairs while holding her? What if Chelsea steps away for two seconds and Sam does something? What if Skye chokes on her spit while they are taking an afternoon nap?

These are the kinds of things that cause me to revert to my anxiety attack feelings.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, and it doesn’t really take away the feelings to get them out, if anything, it makes them more clear, more distinct.

I just hope that everything is fine until Skye is around 2 or 3 (not that I want anything to happen when she’s 2 or 3…). Then maybe I’ll stop worrying so much…

It’s the fragility that really gets me. How petite, and tiny, and fragile she is, how she might get hurt by the littlest things. I worry that I might break her little arm trying to get her shirt on, or get her finger stuck in a sleeve and break one of those tiny little fingers.

Who the hell let me have a kid? I’m not ready for this, I never was, never thought I was, and don’t think I ever will be.

I may appear to be good at it, but I’m faking my ass off right now, just doing the things that I think I should be doing, all the while, freaking out inside.

I don’t know if I will ever let Skye read this, maybe when she’s old enough and is having kids of her own, I’ll give this to her, and show her that everybody freaks out a little. But by then, maybe I will be better, more ready. Maybe not.

new house

i recently got a new job (and therefore more income) and so my wife has decided that renting is not for us anymore. she has lately been casually looking for a new house which has grown to become almost serious as of late. because of this, we have been doing walk-throughs on various houses, some reasonably within our reach and some not so reasonably.

we looked at a couple of houses (actually, town homes) a couple of days ago and one of them seemed to be good enough to make an offer on. we made an offer on the house with the thought that if we didn’t get the house, at least we would learn the process and wouldn’t be so green the next time around.

we got the response back today and it was accepted.

i have no idea what to say…

i guess i have to move now.

this is the most unexpected development that i have ever experienced. i mean, there have been times where i wasn’t expecting to get something, or i wasn’t expecting something to go my way, but this one takes the cake. it’s so weird to think that i now own a house. the largest purchase i’ve ever made before this, was when i bought a king size snickers this morning. and now i own a house.

wow.

EDIT: the community the town home we had planned on buying was in had a litigation pending against the developer, so we felt this was too much to take on in a first home and therefore canceled the contract due to the home not passing the home inspection.

webhost issues

my site went down about a week and a bit ago, so i tried to contact my hosting company and find out what was going on.
I went to the website, no notices there, went to the forum which has been removed, tried to submit a service ticket which i couldn’t do due to lack of a password for the system, and finally tried to call the 800 number which was blocked from my area code. all this took about 2-3 days, all of which saw no return of my website.

i finally found a regular number that i called and got in touch with an actual person and found out that 16 of the servers that this company owned got hacked and had all the data erased. no backups, no data, no nothing.

they finally got in touch with us (4 days later) and let us know what had happened.

i finally got a password for the support ticket system and submitted a support ticket for my website to be reinstated.
i must admit it was a very prompt reply, but the information they had given me was completely wrong, it was for another user and another site. I let them know they had messed up and they never replied. i told them again… nothing. i finally wrote them a nasty little note and they promptly responded in kind.

i finally got my corrected information and got my site uploaded, but whenever i tried ta access it it would redirect to another website totally unrelated to my own.

it is still having issues, but my site is back up (thanks to backups i had made a week before the attack), my mail is finally working, but there are still some small issues with the site.

so… long story short… don’t host your site through webhostplus. their service sucks.

damn my a.d.d.

so i’m trying to make a php game (commanders) from scratch and it’s not going quite as fast or as easy as i’d hoped. there are a lot of little things that you have to plan for when coding an application from scratch, no matter what it is, that will bite you in the ass.

when i first got the idea for this game, i thought “i’ll get the game part of the script working and the rest will be easy”. nope. first off, i have to get the game part working… it’s not. not quite. secondly, i get distracted by other things WAY too easily. and thirdly, i really have no idea where i’m trying to take this.

i started off with an overly simplistic plan. not on purpose, but because i have no experience coding anything from scratch, after writing a preliminary few hundred lines of code, and trying to test that code, i began to realize that my storage methods (both within the database, and during code execution) were grossly underestimated. it took an almost complete rewrite of the existing methods and all the code that goes with it to get to a point where the game will actually progress the way that i want it to.

but now that i’ve got the game almost working, there are other issues that are creeping in that i wasn’t ready for. for instance, the game that i am creating is actually a port from a real life board game (Power). the trouble with this is that issues that are trivially easy for a person to deal with are intricately difficult for a computer to deal with. i’ll spare you the details, sufice to say that my code is becoming much longer than i had planned. porting form a real board game also has the added benefit of having the rules already written, or at least most of them, but the ones that aren’t written are the ones giving me the troubles. what should i do if this situation happens? what about this other situation?

another issue i have to deal with is myself. when i get in one of those moods, as i’m sure most of you have, where the juices just aren’t flowing, we’ll call it “coders block”, i turn to other items that may not be necessary to the project. i’ve also started another (albeit much smaller, simpler) game (battleship) from scratch which is progressing much faster and therefore holds my interest better. this is bad. even though the new project is nearing completion, i know that i am the type of person who will never think of anything as “completed”.

and on top of all this i am still working on webchess 2.0 (which finally had a beta release not too long ago).

so i now have three projects i’m actively working on, my job, and a freaking network+ test to take on monday.

and i have to spend more time with my wife, who is probably feeling pretty left out at the moment.

so here’s my time division:

my job (30%)
my projects (30%)
eating and sleeping (30%)
studying (10%)
my wife (110%)

if it weren’t for my a.d.d., i’d think i have a real problem.

(note: i’m not officially diagnosed with a.d.d., but most everybody i know would love some ritalin)

PHP scripts and games

So I’ve been adding a few RPGs and other games to the site and have had to edit those scripts quite a lot more than I should have to to get them to work on my site. Don’t get me wrong (especially if you happen to be a creator of one of those scripts), I love the games, and they have MANY good features in them, but it amazes me how much people code to their own setup. One example (and the most annoying because it breaks the script immediately), is the use of PHP short tags ( <? ). These little things are the bane of my existance.

There are four ways that you can let the server know that you are about to use PHP.

PHP Long tags ( <?php ...code... ?> )
PHP Short tags ( <? ...code... ?> )
ASP style tags ( <% ...code... %> )
Script tags ( <script language="text/php"> ...code... </script> )

Lucky for me, I’ve never seen the ASP tags, and have only rarely seen the Script tag, but the short tags are almost as popular as the long tags. Especially when using the shorthand notation for the echo command ( <?= ).

My server at home is set up to be very strict in it’s handling of tags, it only allows the PHP long tags, and for good reason. When using a PHP script with XML, the XML tag ( <?xml ) confuses the PHP parser into thinking it’s a PHP short tag with the unknown entity ‘xml’ following it.

Another thing I see people use often, is Registered Globals. These are extremely handy at saving yourself some keystrokes, but that’s about the only thing they are good for. Registered Globals take variables from a SuperGlobal and place it in the normal variable scope. An example would be an HTML form with a field called ‘name’. When you send this form, a variable in PHP called either _POST or _GET is created based on which method is used to send the data. To get at the data the user sent, one must call $_POST['name']. If Registered Globals is turned on, all one needs to do is call the variable $name and there ya go. This practice is not very safe and causes more headaches then they save in keystrokes.

All of these issues, plus some more obscure ones, are why people should not code to their own particular setup, but should code with certain standards that are applicable everywhere.

PHP Long tags are ALWAYS accepted by the server.
The _POST and _GET variables are ALWAYS available to the script.
The HTTP_XXXXX_VARS are NOT always available, as of PHP5 they can be disabled.
Even the _ENV and _SERVER vars are not always enabled.

So when you go out to write your first bit of code, or even continue work on a project you’ve been working on for years, think of the other people who may be using your script who may not have the same setup as you, and they may not have access to their php.ini file to change those settings. And don’t try to skirt your way around it by running the ini_set function either. That’s almost like putting a virus on someone else’s computer. Just don’t do it.

broken site

so my webhosting company was recently bought out and decided in all thier wisdom to follow the old adage of “if it’s not broke, break it, then don’t fix it”. ok, maybe it’s not an old adage, but it sure does fit the situation.

the new company decided to move all the websites to new servers and in the process broke just about every one of the thousands of sites hosted on those servers, mine included. and it doesn’t stop there. in the past couple of weeks, my site has been off and on more than a newbie dj mixing with cassette tapes.

it seems like every couple of hours the site goes down, only to be back up again (but with limited functionality) the next time i see it. it’s getting really annoying. and the support people are not really helping, but it’s not entirely thier fault, because it seems that the errors are not happening everywhere in the country.
anywho… the whole point of the post is to let everybody know why the site has been being stupid lately.

…and don’t host your site with WebHostPlus.

new job and web standards

so i got a new job working for a local independent graphic designer / printer and its pretty nice. i get to work when i want, at my own pace, from home, doing what i love, and get paid for it. the only thing about it that really sucks is that i’m doing web design and as any semi-serious web designer that works for clients will tell you, coding for cross-browser compatibility SUCKS !!

i mean, why can’t all the browsers stop the damn browser wars and come to an agreement on what will and will not be supported? it seems that the w3c has been doing a good job with stating what should be standard and what should not be standard, and most browsers do a pretty god job following those standards.

except one. microsoft’s internet explorer, the number one used browser on the planet. it works the way it wants to work, and getting your site to look the way you want it to in internet explorer is like trying to teach a four year old how to fly a plane. they may get some things right, but most of the time, they budge things up so bad, you have no idea what they are trying to do. and then all of a sudden, they don’t want to do anything anymore. it is the most annoying thing on the planet, because fixing one thing breaks another and when you get it all looking good in internet explorer and then go back and open up the same page in firefox (my personal favorite and most likely the favorite browser of any self-respecting web designer / aficionado) it looks totally whacked and nothing is where it is supposed to be.

and that’s not even considering the dinosaurs out there, who just absolutely have to have thier netscape communicator 4.75, which has almost no current standards support and what it does support (obsolete and completely annoying things like ‘blink’) it supports badly or is no longer a web standard.

but that’s okay, i figure anybody using web browsers older than the wheel are probably used to things looking all messed up, or they are too computer illiterate to care.

i eagerly await the release of internet explorer 7 (which has taken several years, because microsoft, in all thier wisdom, thought, “we have the monopoly on web browsers, why fuck with it?”. that is, until firefox started taking thier precious users and microsoft just HAS to have the monopoly) because that will mean (hopefully) that interent explorer will finally have decent web standards and png support and i won’t have to keep writing several versions of the same page just to get it to look right everywhere. (but hopefully it will still be subject to the same css hacks, so in case it does mess something up, i wont have to rewrite everything to fix it.)

now all we need is to kill off the dinosaurs and we’ll be all set.

the meaning of life

well, i think it’s inevitable. if you have a blog, or any kind of diary, you have to write about the meaning of life.

so here is my meaning of life, and if it gets too philosophical for you, stop reading, i don’t care… or do i?

anywho… me and my girl were driving home one day, talking about our childhoods, and it got me thinking about my life as a whole.

now i’m not just talking about the little stuff, or just the big stuff, i mean the whole thing, every bit of it. i had never thought about my life like that and it got me thinking… what makes a life, or better yet, what makes a life good?

everybody is so determined to make a difference in the world, to be somebody. i don’t think this is what life is about, because, let’s be honest, how many of us are really going to make a difference outside of our own little bubbles?

but that’s just the point, you don’t have to make a difference outside your own little bubble. you don’t even have to make a difference inside your own little bubble. the key to true happiness — and this is just a theory, but it seems to be a good one — is to live your life. don’t try to make a difference, don’t live the life others want you to live, just live… do what makes you happy. and along the way, and this is important, so pay attention… along the way, let others make a difference in you.

if somebody comes along and changes you, not a lot, just enough that you are a slightly new person (but some may change you completely… mly), then you have increased the value of that persons life, and letting others know that they are the cause of your happiness makes them happy, and in turn makes you happy.

so not so long story short, and so i can steal another quote: don’t try to be a great man, just be a man, the rest will take care of itself. and if you have a little fun on the way, all the better. because life isn’t here for you to change it, or take it for granted, it’s here for you to enjoy. and if along the way you are remembered by those who touched you… even better.

just a thought i had to share.
please comment and share your own thoughts.

rss feeds update

since writing ‘rss feeds in your inbox‘, the post letting people know how to get my blog in their inbox, i have upgraded the blogging software.
this has changed the rss feed url. the new rss feed url is:

http://www.iohelix.com/wordpress/?feed=rss2 http://www.iohelix.net/blog/feed

so there ya go, all fixed.

anonymity is hard to keep

so i’m sitting here, at work, playing on the interent, and come across a page that has really cool stuff to download for “free”. and because there is no such thing as “free”, they make you register for their site (for what reason, i have no idea) and give out your precious information, just to download this “free” app that they are offering.

well, i say poo to that. and apparently, others have, too.

that’s when i stumbled upon a couple of sites that help people keep thier anonymity while browsing sites that require a login or registration.

the first is bugmenot.com. this site is awesome. when you come accross a site that requires you to log in, go to bugmenot.com and enter the base url into the field and click ‘Show Logins’ and it will give you a list of logins for the site. that way, you never have to register for another site again.

but if you really must register for a site and it’s one of the sites that will be sending you a confirmation e-mail so that they know it’s really you, just use ~~pookmail.com~~mintemail.com.
what this site does is pretty cool as well. when you go to sign up for that annoying site that is forcing you to register, just go to mintemail.com, it will automatically store a fresh email address in your clipboard, then enter that email address into the site you are visiting. the mail will be automatically updated and kept for 24 hours, then deleted. you never have to give out your address again, but you still get those important first few emails to the site you’re trying to access.

and for the sites where you may want to come back and be recognized as yourself, but don’t want to use that same password you’ve been using forever, check out the Secure Password Generator or Strong Password Generator. just set your specs and hit the button and a crytographically strong password is generated at random for you.

so there ya go, no more worries.