gratitude

not really sure what i want to say with this entry. i saw the weblog on alli’s site.

www.babymckallister.blogspot.com

i knew i didn’t want to look, but of course, i did. thanks, alli! now i am just filled with a ton of emotion and yet, speechless and don’t really know what i want to say. today was kind of a testing day with skye. she couldn’t be comforted or entertained and i lacked the patience to keep up with her. why. why, after all that i’ve been through can i not just love her with infinite patience? why can i not fulfill her needs on demand and comfort her in the moment she needs it most? her cries can be so, so sad. a cry of deep melancholy. i wish i could just reach deep in her spirit and just know what she needs and deliver it on a silver platter. why is she so sad sometimes? i know babies cry. i know this. but still. why. and why does it affect me so profoundly. the video of the hinkley’s stillborn was unquestionably moving. how grateful am i to hear my daughter’s moody cries, and to be able to even try and comfort her, and receive her comfort in return. a life without skye is one i never want to imagine or live through. but i would, even it if only meant i would have the last 4 months and nothing more. the last short, four months of her life have been undoubtedly, the best of mine. benjam and skye are the most meaningful people this life has given me.  (and our families).  my job, my house, none of it compares to what our little family has together.

our horrific 2 year quiet struggle with infertility, the enduring 2 months of in vitro fertilization procedures, the painfully long 2 weeks waiting for the pregnancy test, the 9 months of pregnancy stress and the last anxious 10 minutes before her birth…every single second was worth just 1 minute of her warm, softness next to mine.