daddy’s worry and love

I don’t even know where to start right now, it’s just so crazy, it’s like there is so much love that I don’t even know what to do with myself.

I find myself on the verge of tears at least a couple of times a day, and all because of this little bundle of person that I helped create and now have to deal with. The sleep thing is a little annoying, but I’m hoping that it will be worth it later on, but it’s so hard to see right now through all the confusing emotion and worry. Worry like I’ve never had before, it fills my entire day, I worry about things that most likely will never happen, but if they were to, would completely crush both me and Chels, and I’m pretty sure would cause a rift to come between us that we would never be able to fix, so not only would I lose the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, but I would lose the other most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.

It’s so hard to even put into words what I feel, I feel intense love for Skye, and it almost makes me sick. And at the same time, I feel the most intense worry. worry that someday I might not be around to see her grow, and be there for her, but I take a little solace in the fact that if anything were to ever happen to me, that she would know through these journals, and through family telling her, how much I loved here when I was here.

I don’t know why I keep thinking that something is going to happen, it’s like everything is too good to be true, and it can’t happen for me, and that the universe must be off kilter because it has happened, and now that it has, I have no idea what to do.   I feel like sometimes, I just need to leave her for just a while so that I can regain some of what I had before she arrived, and I don’t mean that she has mad me give up things in my life, which if things go as they have been going, she may very well do just that…   but I mean that I just want to get away from these crazy intense emotions that are turning me into a complete wreck. I don’t know what to do with all this love, I’ve never felt love like this before, and I certainly don’t know what to do with all this worry. It feels like I’m being torn in two by these two very powerful emotions, and my body just doesn’t know how to react to them.

It’s going to be extremely difficult to go back to work, I can already see myself worrying about her all day, and not even being able to work. I have no doubts about Chelsea’s ability as a mother, but there are things that I can’t control when I’m not here that really bother me, like what if Chelsea falls down the stairs while holding her?  What if Chelsea steps away for two seconds and Sam does something?  What if Skye chokes on her spit while they are taking an afternoon nap?

These are the kinds of things that cause me to revert to my anxiety attack feelings.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, and it doesn’t really take away the feelings to get them out, if anything, it makes them more clear, more distinct.

I just hope that everything is fine until Skye is around 2 or 3 (not that I want anything to happen when she’s 2 or 3…).  Then maybe I’ll stop worrying so much…

It’s the fragility that really gets me. How petite, and tiny, and fragile she is, how she might get hurt by the littlest things. I worry that I might break her little arm trying to get her shirt on, or get her finger stuck in a sleeve and break one of those tiny little fingers.

Who the hell let me have a kid?  I’m not ready for this, I never was, never thought I was, and don’t think I ever will be.

I may appear to be good at it, but I’m faking my ass off right now, just doing the things that I think I should be doing, all the while, freaking out inside.

I don’t know if I will ever let Skye read this, maybe when she’s old enough and is having kids of her own, I’ll give this to her, and show her that everybody freaks out a little. But by then, maybe I will be better, more ready. Maybe not.