Category: family life

Although I don’t think much will change when I go back to work tomorrow, 2 days in the office and the rest from home, I feel like this is the end of something. These last 3 months have been a twisted sort of vacation; one where I get to gaze at my daughter all day long and not feel guilty about it. I have mixed emotions about it.

On one hand, financially, I have to go back to work, so it’s not an option anyways. Also, I have to admit that I can get burnt out of all of her cuteness and get a bit stir crazy at times. My mind feels like goop and I am eager to be productive outside the home again. I know being away from her will only intensify my affections for her and appreciate her, if that’s possible, that much more.

On the other hand, the obvious cuteness lays that will be hard to be away from all day. What will I miss out on?  Will I regret not being there every step of the way for her development?  Can I physically handle not being an arms reach away from her softness?  Will she turn out to be a hoodlum and menace to society because she doesn’t have a Stay At Home Mom? Hopefully my return to work won’t diminish my ambition of updating this thing either.

So. In honor of my last day of vacation, and the fact that I won’t have oodles of time during the day, we had a little photo shoot (and let me just tell you how hard it is to photograph a 3 month old who has yet to gain control of her motor skills).

It started out innocently enough…

Then we went upstairs to the changing table…

And then I decided to play dress up with some of the clothes I know she’ll hardly ever wear…

and kept going…

and going…

and going…

and going, but I’ll stop there. FYI, doing so are the rights and privileges given to a mother.

The other night after I put you to bed around 10:30p in your crib, I lay awake until you needed me. I knew I would have at least 2 hours to sleep, but I just couldn’t. I just listened to the humming of the ceiling fan coming through the monitor and just waited, waited for the slightest cry and the slightest inkling that you needed me.

Sometimes, even when you are not fussy and could sleep in your crib, I bring you to bed with me anyways, knowing that these days will not last forever.

Although I fell tethered to the pump, I am grateful of it’s duty so that I have an excuse to take a much needed break from you at times.

I know I shouldn’t have the TV on with you, but there is only so much silent pacing one can do. So I’ll turn it on the cartoon channel occasionally to offset that guilt.

Picking your boogers and fingernails have become a new obsession for me.

Sometimes I let you cry a little longer than I should because I think your cry *can* be adorable.

Our little girl is approaching 3 months and it’s amazing how much she has changed. She used to be so teeny…  so small and skinny. So much so that it’s hard to imagine/remember how small she was before now. I look at pictures of her back and how wrinkly it was, and how it’s not wrinkly anymore and I miss it. It’s hard to understand how you can miss something that you can’t exactly remember, I just know that it’s different and I know I miss it. I wouldn’t change her as she is now—she’s much better behaved, not quite as intolerant of anything even remotely uncomfortable, and she has a personality now, and you can actually interact with her—I’d just make her smaller, like when she had the wrinkly back. It was so amazingly soft. I’m a little bummed I didn’t spend more time touching it. If I could just revert her to how she was right after she was born…  if only for a moment. But I guess that is the wish of most parents.

You could spend your life trying to get back the moments you lost, but then you’d miss the moments you have.

Stop growing, little one.

I had my first father’s day this weekend, and Chelsea got me a digital frame that I put a bunch of photos of Skye, Chelsea and a few others just to fill space on, and I think I’m gonna have to take it back or something…

I just sit here all day looking at my cutesy little family and smile all the time, my productivity has dropped at least 50% (the blog doesn’t help either).  I seriously lucked out with all of them. Skye is so amazingly beautiful, that I find myself looking at her, and forgetting what I was doing at the time, if it was anything besides looking at her at all. She has started to show an inkling of personality and a few smiles, and it’s so awesome. It’s strange how it’s the littlest things that endear her to me. Sometimes she’ll yawn with her little crooked yawn and my whole body just melts. I love her little crooked bottom lip. And how she gets super excited when we walk in and put her on the changing table (her favorite place to be), and I’ll get halfway through changing her diaper, and start to read her a book (sometimes, it’s the only time she’s not screaming).  I’ll also sit her in front of me, propped up on my legs and just have conversations with her, while she looks at me like she knows. And I tell her about all the things that I’m going to teach her, and think of all the things shes going to teach me, and how much fun we’re going to have together.

And then there’s Chelsea, the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. I mean, she has a tattoo of a Star Trek Communicator, how much cooler can you get?  And she gets me, and I get her. We finish each other’s thoughts all the time. I’ll say something, and she’ll say “I was just thinking that!”, or vice versa. Or she’ll look at me questioningly, and I’ll give her the answer she was looking for, before she even asks it. Or I’ll look at her, and she’ll slide the drink I wanted over to me, without me even asking for it. It’s spooky someimtes. And although we have sleightly different tastes in books, movies, music, and TV shows, for the most part they are pretty darn close, and the things that I never would have considered, she has opened my eyes to. And she’s beautiful on top of all that. Always has been. I have a few photos of her on my frame, and every time they pop up, I just stare and think, “Wow”.

I get it. I now understand the true meaning of frustration and being at your wits end. I now understand mommy guilt; what it is and where is comes from. I now understand how important sleep really is and how elusive it can be. I now understand how women lose themselves in their children. I now understand how little patience I really had. I get it.

Let me tell you a little about her cry. When her crying is working at full decibel level and turns into a scream, a wail, a screech from some dark place I never knew my daughter had, it has a way of reaching back into the depths of your own mind and making you consider doing things to your child you would never otherwise consider. Like leaving her in the middle of the road for a stranger to deal with. Or taking her to the basement and turning the TV up louder than her incessant, untranslatable cry. Or taking her back for a refund.

I guess this all stems from having a rough couple of days. Her nor I not sleeping, my inability to console her, her being overtired, my lack of patience, her not sleeping despite her obvious state of sleepiness, my intolerance of this, her need to be in constant motion, usually walking around the house, my refusal to do so and then resentment at giving in and doing so.

And then…

A smile in glee from the melody of the song I am singing to her, or how her toes curl up against my leg when she is sleeping, or the way she pops her tongue in and out to get the bottle out of her mouth, or how she’ll let one rip with such intensity to rival her fathers flatulence, or how she’ll snuggle up to the warmth of my neck, or the many faces she’ll make while sleeping. Despite everything I still come back for more.

So I’m sitting here at work, and looking at the pictures from the previous post (OMG, I love that one of her in her little hat) and the pictures on my desk and seriously missing my little girl.   I love to just sit and hold her and, if she’s not screaming, just hold my forehead against her forehead and have little moments with her. I find myself spending most of my time home just torn… I still want to do the things I did before she arrived, but I still want to spend time with her. If she would allow it, I would love to plop her in the front carrier and sit at my computer and do some coding, looking at her whenever I needed to. But she would never go for that, unless she was asleep. So I take the time that I can, and just have to accept that I can’t see her all the time.

I’m not sure how Chels is going to handle it when she goes back to work. If she missed the dog as much as she did when she was at work, how is she going to handle being away from her snugglebug when she’s been home with her for three months?

I still miss them both though.

Thought I should take a minute and document a day in the life. At 6am I get up to pump, leaving her in the arms of Benjam’s sleepiness. She usually eats around 7 and then we take a nap when Benjam leaves for work. She gets up to eat again around 9-10 and then eats again. At this point she’ll either take another nap or be awake for 2-4 hours. Whichever one she doesn’t do, she’ll do afterwards. During her alert time, after she eats, she’s interested in the playmat or the crib mirror or the swing or other toys. We’ll do tummy time or take a walk or just swing outside or read. When she gets bored of this, anywhere from 1-2 hours, she starts getting cranky and needs help falling asleep. She’ll get these little whiny whimpers and her eyes will be half opened as she fights it, yet still wants me to make it better. So we have to walk around the house with her on my shoulders, or rocking in a chair, or pat her back while burping her or any number of random motions to help her fall away to dreamland. By time time Benjam gets home around 6, she’s usually on another bottle and always finds a way to be fussy/needy when dinner is ready. She’ll take another nap (on the boppy or on in my arms) before all hell breaks loose as she enters her fussy time. I guess I should call it her screaming-her-head-off time. She’s inconsolable and we just have to let her wail it out or try to find the exact configuration of what she wants. I can get her asleep by 1, after a feeding and she’s good until a 4-5 feeding until she gets hungry again in the morning. Repeat. Even though she’s not sleeping a whole lot at night, at least I can recognize some sort of pattern to her days in anticipation of what’s ahead. She is still very sensitive to having one of us hold her to get her to sleep and while this is down right daunting and exhausting at times, she’s our little snugglebug and can’t get enough of her.

Now if the little stinker would eat, sleep and play on demand!  I’m sure I’m doing something wrong. I don’t think I’m fostering the best habits, but how can I resist snuggling with her at night?  She still needs a warm body to fall asleep, but then I fall asleep too, on accident. So it’s going to be hard to ween her off that!  She doesn’t stay asleep very well, except during the day when she doesn’t have to. For example, she’s been asleep for 4 hours today! What I wouldn’t give to get that in the middle of the night, in her own bed (crib would be best, but pack’n’play would work too).  Damn, jinxed it, she’s starting to stir.