Category: family life

amazing life

I’m sitting here, looking into the eyes of the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I’ve only known her for about 7 weeks now, but she has my whole heart, and has since I first met her. I would do anything for her, I would die for her without thinking one second about it. I love to just sit and stare at her as often as I can, I mean, I almost can’t stand how amazing she is, and how much love I have for her, it makes my whole body just gush. I never even thought this magnitude of love was even possible before I saw her. Then the first time I heard her voice, was the most amazing moment of my life, the first time I looked into her eyes, and held her close…  nothing will ever compare to that. Now I have two girls in my life that are the most amazing girls ever. Both of which have my whole heart (I must have two in there, because I didn’t think it was possible).  And it’s amazing how the introduction of one girl could make my relationship with the other so much stronger and more amazing. I love them both with every thing I have. My beautiful wife, and my amazing new daughter.

5 weeks

So baby Skye is about 5 weeks old. What a month it’s been! We’re still trying to figure it all out, since it has turned out to be only an inkling of what we though it would be. We love her to pieces and adore her to a fault. But there’s no denying it, it’s really challenging. Mostly the lack of sleep and the fussiness. If these things were not present, there wouldn’t be anything bad about parenting. She is also very needy and clingy. I guess this is to be expected as she knows nothing of this new world of hers. But when she’s not sleeping, she basically needs to be held the entire duration she is awake and also needs to fall asleep in someone’s arms. So when she is asleep, I have the choice of napping too, or trying to pump or do something productive around the house. Even returning a phone call takes effort and planning. We don’t really have a sleep regiment set up either, making it difficult to deal with the impending nights day after day. We’ve tried sleeping in basically every room of the house, with her on my chest or in her crib or pack-n-play or bouncy seat. The problem lies in being there within a time window where you can feed her when she’ll go right back to sleep afterwards, or be awake for another 1-2 hours, or scream at the top of her lungs. But there is no comfortable place for me to sleep where I can be right next to her when I can be there for this window, without waking Benjam. I already feel bad for needing him so early in the morning. But I don’t pump from midnight to 6am. If I don’t start at 6 though, I’m afraid my supply will start to diminish. Every time I pump I swear it will be the last though because it’s somewhat stressful trying to always fit it in when Skye needs something at the same time I need to pump. We really feel like it is the best gift to give her right now and Benjam wants to feed her boobie juice until 6 months. But it is so time consuming and seems so counter productive when I just give her a bottle right before or after I pump a bottle full. I really wish we had the energy to try and train her to the breast, but it seems so daunting and challenging, with no guarantee’s anyways and she’s always ready to protest with her last screaming breath if she’s not fed right away. This leads to hours of screaming and is avoided at all costs.

Other than these challenges, we can’t keep our eyes off of her and her ever changing face and body. She’s already 8+ pounds and has a few rolls developing on her legs, arms and face. At least she’s healthy, what else could we ask for! She’s more and more alert between naps and feedings. She can hold your gaze and has just begun to look curiously at books and toys. She can grasp slightly, but I don’t know if that is her intent or not. She still plays with her mouth and tongue a bit and makes silly cute faces. Her arm and leg reflexes are still out of her control and you can just see her little synapses firing off and trying to grow. She also likes to pee/poo when you change her diaper, making us use 2-3 diapers when we really only need to use 1. And today when I was talking and singing to her and showing her toys and books, I could see her trying to figure out how to form a smile with her entire face. It made me so excited for when she does it for the first time, on purpose, in response to something we do. Sometimes I feel like we don’t enjoy her enough and only stress about our crazy schedule. When she is sleeping peacefully is when we really emit most of our love. So I hope she’s not getting only the stressful energy but the huge amounts of love we have for her as well. But, things are starting to get better, if only for the fact that we are used to it by now and the limits she has and how to read her little bit better every day. Also, Benjam and I are starting to remember that we are married and the other one is still here, albeit just going through the motions. Next week is our third anniversary and we are going to spend it at a hotel with grandma Veda watching the home front. We also need to implement a date night, since baby Skye demands both of us throughout the entire day, that sometimes we barely have time for a good night or good morning kiss. It is quite the sweetest thing ever though, seeing the two of them together.

I look back at her day of birth pics and can’t believe she’s already grown and changed so much. It only makes me more excited and anxious for the next stages when she will be able to respond and interact more. OK, well she’s squeaking and stirring herself awake so I better go get her bottle ready or try and fit in a pumping session. But Oh, how in love we are.

2 weeks

So our dear baby Skye is 2 weeks old. How can I possibly describe what she means to us? After everything we have been through, she is finally here and an absolute perfect doll. The love we feel for her is limitless and we simply can’t stop looking, hugging, kissing and touching her. She loves snuggly time, specifically tummy time on my or daddy’s chest. If it were up to her, she’d be held 24/7, and we’d probably comply if it were at all possible. She sleeps most of the time, but does have moments after eating of alertness where she’ll just slowly blink and investigate the new world around her through her dark, smoky eyes. She eats bottle-fed breast milk every 1-4 hours, which makes night time long and enduring. But even then, it’s special time just being with her. She makes it impossible to be frustrated with, even in moments of screeching crying sessions or when she dirties a diaper that was just changed, or better yet, pee’s on the diaper currently being changed. She has a small voice she uses as squeaks and squeals whether she’s sleeping or trying to wriggle a free arm from daddy’s award-winning swaddle, which she loves, by the way. She’s also found her tongue, although, whether she knows what to do with it is another idea. She makes the most adorable mouth gestures, flipping her tongue in and out of her mouth, or forming large O’s with her lips or suckling the air just to reaffirm that she does know how to do so. She is vaguely aware of her arms and legs, stretching them straight outward whenever they are set free or attempting to grab something, anything. She can’t hold her head up yet, but don’t tell her that.

daddy’s worry and love

I don’t even know where to start right now, it’s just so crazy, it’s like there is so much love that I don’t even know what to do with myself.

I find myself on the verge of tears at least a couple of times a day, and all because of this little bundle of person that I helped create and now have to deal with. The sleep thing is a little annoying, but I’m hoping that it will be worth it later on, but it’s so hard to see right now through all the confusing emotion and worry. Worry like I’ve never had before, it fills my entire day, I worry about things that most likely will never happen, but if they were to, would completely crush both me and Chels, and I’m pretty sure would cause a rift to come between us that we would never be able to fix, so not only would I lose the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, but I would lose the other most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.

It’s so hard to even put into words what I feel, I feel intense love for Skye, and it almost makes me sick. And at the same time, I feel the most intense worry. worry that someday I might not be around to see her grow, and be there for her, but I take a little solace in the fact that if anything were to ever happen to me, that she would know through these journals, and through family telling her, how much I loved here when I was here.

I don’t know why I keep thinking that something is going to happen, it’s like everything is too good to be true, and it can’t happen for me, and that the universe must be off kilter because it has happened, and now that it has, I have no idea what to do.   I feel like sometimes, I just need to leave her for just a while so that I can regain some of what I had before she arrived, and I don’t mean that she has mad me give up things in my life, which if things go as they have been going, she may very well do just that…   but I mean that I just want to get away from these crazy intense emotions that are turning me into a complete wreck. I don’t know what to do with all this love, I’ve never felt love like this before, and I certainly don’t know what to do with all this worry. It feels like I’m being torn in two by these two very powerful emotions, and my body just doesn’t know how to react to them.

It’s going to be extremely difficult to go back to work, I can already see myself worrying about her all day, and not even being able to work. I have no doubts about Chelsea’s ability as a mother, but there are things that I can’t control when I’m not here that really bother me, like what if Chelsea falls down the stairs while holding her?  What if Chelsea steps away for two seconds and Sam does something?  What if Skye chokes on her spit while they are taking an afternoon nap?

These are the kinds of things that cause me to revert to my anxiety attack feelings.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, and it doesn’t really take away the feelings to get them out, if anything, it makes them more clear, more distinct.

I just hope that everything is fine until Skye is around 2 or 3 (not that I want anything to happen when she’s 2 or 3…).  Then maybe I’ll stop worrying so much…

It’s the fragility that really gets me. How petite, and tiny, and fragile she is, how she might get hurt by the littlest things. I worry that I might break her little arm trying to get her shirt on, or get her finger stuck in a sleeve and break one of those tiny little fingers.

Who the hell let me have a kid?  I’m not ready for this, I never was, never thought I was, and don’t think I ever will be.

I may appear to be good at it, but I’m faking my ass off right now, just doing the things that I think I should be doing, all the while, freaking out inside.

I don’t know if I will ever let Skye read this, maybe when she’s old enough and is having kids of her own, I’ll give this to her, and show her that everybody freaks out a little. But by then, maybe I will be better, more ready. Maybe not.

Birth Story

Skye Alison Welker was born April 2, 2008 at the University of Utah hospital via c-section. She was 5lb. 12oz. and 19 inches long.

So last Tuesday, April 1, we went to our scheduled OB appointment. We all concluded that with the mild pre-eclampsia (high BP, swelling) and IUGR and low AFI, that it was time to deliver! Today. Right now. Go upstairs and be admitted.

Yikes.

We had been waiting for this moment forever, but when she said that, my stomach dropped a few levels. We walked hand in hand to the elevators and up to the second floor to Labor and Delivery. We were both giddy and excited and scared and nervous and pale and sweaty and shaky. We got checked into our room. It was a very strange moment walking in to that room, knowing we would be leaving with our baby girl. It was just an ordinary room, like a hotel room really, with the exception of medical equipment and a baby warmer station in the corner. They showed us in and left us for a minute, told me to get undressed to be hooked to the monitors and basically assume my position in the bed. Benjam and I shared nervous chit-chat about finally being here and what we were about to finally go through, not having the slightest idea what to expect. At this point, we were both fairly remiss about not taking any sort of birthing class. But that time had passed and now we just had to deal with our ignorance and regrettable decision. We made a few phone calls to let people know of the new development and what the plan of action was. Continue reading “Birth Story”

new house

i recently got a new job (and therefore more income) and so my wife has decided that renting is not for us anymore. she has lately been casually looking for a new house which has grown to become almost serious as of late. because of this, we have been doing walk-throughs on various houses, some reasonably within our reach and some not so reasonably.

we looked at a couple of houses (actually, town homes) a couple of days ago and one of them seemed to be good enough to make an offer on. we made an offer on the house with the thought that if we didn’t get the house, at least we would learn the process and wouldn’t be so green the next time around.

we got the response back today and it was accepted.

i have no idea what to say…

i guess i have to move now.

this is the most unexpected development that i have ever experienced. i mean, there have been times where i wasn’t expecting to get something, or i wasn’t expecting something to go my way, but this one takes the cake. it’s so weird to think that i now own a house. the largest purchase i’ve ever made before this, was when i bought a king size snickers this morning. and now i own a house.

wow.

EDIT: the community the town home we had planned on buying was in had a litigation pending against the developer, so we felt this was too much to take on in a first home and therefore canceled the contract due to the home not passing the home inspection.

honeymoon

so we returned from hawai’i, much more tan than when we left and much more married as well. we had so much fun in hawai’i, it was insane.

i will maybe post a diary that chels kept on our trip later, but just wanted to put a quick post up while i was thinking about it.

if you are ever in the position where you are debating wether or not to go to hawai’i…  GO!!  it’s awesome.

the one thing about hawai’i that i really like is aloha.

if you read my blog religiously, and i know you do, then you know i’m all about the plur.
plur is an acronym that stands for peace, love, unity, respect.

aloha is a much more emotional version of plur.  it, too, is an acronym (from what i’m told, although i’m not sure if the acronym was made to fit the word, since ancient hawai’ians had no written language), although it’s in hawai’ian.

aloha (from a sign in the honolulu airport):

A stood for the word aloha meaning welcome, what i have you may have, share with me.
L stood for the hawai’ian word loko maika’i which meant, what i have said comes from my heart, good intentions.
O stood for the hawai’ian word ‘olu’olu meaning happy. this is part of our heritage – a happy hawai’ian people – happy doing for others.
H stood for the hawai’ian word ha’aha’a meaning humility and meekness. we welcome you, we do things for you, because we are happy and very humble to serve.
A stood for the hawai’ian word a’a ka maka which meant, our eyes are wide open but our lips are sealed. if you have taken all from us, who are we to say, for we knew what we were doing.

thats just cool.

so plur and aloha

marriage

man, it’s so crazy how the little things are what kill you.

everybody always talks about how wonderful thier wedding was, or how wonderful yours is going to be when you have it, but nobody tells you what a nightmare it is planning it. and it’s not the major things, either. it’s the little things: the seating arrangement; the decorations on the table; the gifts to the groomsmen, parents, brides maids, and anybody else; the way your hair is done, and i’m a guy; and everything else that i have forgotten, and won’t remember until it’s too late.

everybody also always asks me if i’m getting nervous…  nervous?  who has time to be nervous, i have to crop pictures for the seating arrangement cards, print them, buy the wine, get my hair done, pick up the engravings, get the rings, clean the hot tub, build a deck, bolt down the canopies, give my two cents on the decorations, help with the dinnerware, buy some serving platters, build a playlist, figure out where the speakers are going, edit the song for ‘the walk’, burn the cd, buy some speaker wire for the deck speakers, mow the lawn, make the rehearsal dinner, and on and on and on.

holy crap.

ask me how it was when i get back…

i’ll tell you it was wonderful, wink, and leave it at that.

bachelor party

i’m having a bachelor party this weekend and am a little worried about what is going to be going on at this thing.

i know we are going to be playing airsoft in the day, but after that i have no idea, and it’s a little frightening when you don’t know what people have planned for you.

probably getting super drunk, but that’s all i know.

strange, i’m usually in more control than this…  so when i’m not, it’s an odd feeling.