Exactly one year ago today, we were sitting in my house, at 4am on a very snowy morning, trying to accept the news of the tragic death of Fede and trying to console one another. It was such a whirlwind of good news then bad news then good then bad, until the worst news came from that phone call, the phone call that started all of us dreading any phone calls at all, as it would turn out. I can remember every bit of it like it was last night, from her scream, to getting a Sunday school primary song stuck in my head, and what we all looked like when the sun slowly came up. The days that followed were merely Auto Pilot days of going through the motions. Soon, Amber went to Argentina and we packed up and moved to Slovakia.
We hugged and waved goodbye (the last time I would ever see Mom) in the airport as we set off for a “great adventure”. The first morning waking up in Slovakia was miserable. I felt so far from home, trapped in a strange place, sad from the continuous mourning and wondering what in the hell we had just done. It was a cold and dreary time of year to be anywhere fun. We tried to embrace it as best as we could and slowly each day was a little easier than the last.
It was always really hard being away from the family, especially during the loss. But we tried to explore Bratislava and some of Central Europe. We went to impressive Vienna, story-book Prague, lovely Budapest, take-your-breath-away Rome, the gorgeous Italian Coastline, and stunning Salzburg to name the most memorable few. The excitement of the train rides and stepping into a new, undiscovered country was thrilling and worth the sacrifice of being away from home.
Then we got another phone call. This time my sweet, dear, Grandma died. Grandma Weazy (because we couldn’t pronounce Louise) who was always smiling when she saw us and whose house smelled like brown sugar and warm milk. Then another call: Fede’s dad passed away. Each call would bring reality crashing down and the longing of being close to family. We made it through the spring and summer, a most beautiful time in Bratislava. Sis came out to visit and lifted my spirits of longing for home, even though she was still in turmoil and trying to get the El Fede Foundation off the ground.
Weather started to turn drab again and the excitement of being in a new land was wearing off and the excitement of going home was taking over. It was really nice just being with our cute, little family and we created some memories that will last forever, but we were getting anxious. We still had one big preoccupation with Europe and that was the fertility treatments and surprising pregnancy of Baby Boy, who loved to make me very nauseous. Long days of throwing up were not making the days go by any faster.
It was one very sick morning when I got the next terrible phone call. Actually, I got two emails to call home. The pit in my stomach and weight of that pit almost made it impossible to dial home. The words of Mom’s death are still crystal clear in my head and the absolute, very deep sense of loss remain with me, only 2 months later. There just isn’t quite any way to describe that kind of loss and the shift that takes place where that void is created. We left Slovakia within a few days. Just like, left our second home and said goodbye through tears of what lie ahead. We started our move with a death in the family and it ended it the same way. Oh yeah, and then Michal Jackson died and it really rocked my world. *rolls eyes”
The homecoming was obviously bittersweet. It felt wonderful to embrace loved ones while sobbing over the loss the Mom. I practically hyperventilated walking in Mom and Dad’s house the first time and the immense sadness of the reality of life without Mom and what that really meant for our entire family was setting in.
The only bright spot of light during this time was the growing life inside of me. I felt such an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my own, sometimes guilt-ridden, sense of good fortune of having my wonderful, loving husband, precious Skye, and growing healthy boy making it all complete. All of my families have grown closer and shared more love, and I am indeed blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people. I love them all so much, it’s hard to bear sometimes because of the thought of getting another phone call. I can’t even continue describing how I feel about them all without getting teary-eyed and choked up.
So the heavy sadness still looms, but the bright spots of joy from family and friends have made it easier to survive and cope with a very, unforgettable year.
