period. the end.

So my menses finally returned, after almost a year and a half reprieve. It’s just as fun as I remember. Skye is just over 5 months and I stopped pumping a week or two ago, so it makes sense. It also makes me think back to the last time I had it, and ultimately back to when we first started trying to conceive. The time it takes to think about this, and the little memory flashes that go with it, do not do the length of time justice. It was 3 years ago, on our honeymoon in Hawaii. I remember we were driving up a windy road to a black sand beach and I was a little nauseous, thinking, This is it!  I was so extremely ignorant of the womanly processes, but also very eager to have a baby, that I actually thought I could be pregnant on the honeymoon, from the honeymoon. I was quickly educated over the next few months as we bought a thermometer, cycle calender, and the like. All that is left of that time is the agony of getting my menses month after month, endless waiting for everything, and thinking that it would never, ever happen. Well, that and the Beautiful, Perfect Baby Girl we were blessed with. I hate to think that this precious time with her right now will one day flash before my eyes in a matter of milliseconds.

skye’s first camping trip

Over labor day weekend, we went up the Unitah’s for an overnight camping outing. I had no idea what to expect with a 5-month old, and I still have mixed feelings about it. It was really nice to get up there, be around camp fire and dirt, ride the 4-wheelers, hang out with the family, and do the outdoorsy thing. My parents recently bought a used camper, which is the only reason we even considered going. It was very nice to have the indoors to go to when it got too buggy, too cold, or too smokey. I’m pretty sure Skye had a great time, since she loves being outside.

However, she had two stressed out parents once the sun went down. First of all, at our house, we have a constant glow of nightlights in every room we use past midnight. In the camper, it was black. Pitch black. Skye co-slept with me, but I haven’t done this since she was born and I couldn’t see her at all. Nothing. Not even her silhouette. I could not sleep all night in fear that I was mashing a pillow or blanket in her face. Benjam recently read a SIDS article and was kind enough to cite his concerns about the camping situation. So then I had to keep putting, well finding first with my hand in the dark, my hand on her stomach to make sure she was breathing. Usually my hand would find her nose first, then her freezing hands and then finally her slightly pulsing belly. She actually slept really well, only stirring a few times. I had the bottle of water and formula ready in hand for the exact moment she needed it, so I wouldn’t’ disturb the rest of the camper. At least she got some sleep, because I sure know I didn’t. My eyes were burning and stinging with fatigue by the time the sun finally rose.

I think we’ll wait a little longer before trying to tackle her second outdoor adventure. Or at least find battery operated nightlights.

new browser

being a web developer, i try to keep up with what’s going on in the browser realm of the interwebs. today saw the release of the new Google browser: Chrome.  a new browser release is nothing new, but the fact that Google has, for quite some time, been the main ‘internet’ company, providing everything from search engine and page cache, to email, web documents, and calendar, all online, makes this browser release something to look at.

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checking on the little one

it’s my shift tonight, as it was last night, and I have to confess that I checked on my little one.

I can pretty much guarantee that anybody who is a parent has checked on their baby once or twice for no other reason than to still their own thoughts. being a parent, I fall into that category. it’s not everyday, and certainly not every hour, but at least once a week I check on her.

I walked into the room, leaned close, and as I did, she made the softest little moan of content you could ever imagine. it was the reason I walked in there, and having my needs met, I gently touched my head to hers and walked out.

Continue reading “checking on the little one”

the move

My boss, Michal, has given us the opportunity to move to Bratislava, the capital of Slovakia, for work. He has opened up an EGI office, Energy & Geoscience Laboratory (yellow push-pin in center) there, which is where he is from.

When he first proposed this to me a few years ago, we were pretty apprehensive. Along with my mom’s poor health, Benjam’s work and trying to conceive, it didn’t seem like a good idea. Now, I’m kinda really excited for the adventure and culture shock!

wisdom of a 4 month old

Sometimes I think we are most wise when we are babies. All babies want is to be loved, to be touched with affection and gentle sincerity. Every day is a new opportunity to discover something new and with new challenges to step up to and overcome. Socioeconomics is not yet a part of their vocabulary, neither are the pressures of society, nor of ourselves. Human interaction in it’s simplest, most genuine form is all that is necessary for communication and there are no hidden agendas or reading between the lines in conversations. It is so easy to love babies because there are no expectations, just pure, unconditional love in the highest sense.

I love my baby girl. so. much.

so strong

Skye is so strong all of a sudden. It seems like within a few days she can now hold her head up completely (which is a huge feat since her noggin is huge), lift herself off a flat surface with her chest and arms and she’s rolled over a few times too. She’s even initiating holding her bottle on her own, too. She’s come so far from being a wobbly bobble-head!

work insomnia

Ugh.

In order to elicit an interest in our Black Sea project, my boss wants me to present our work progress at our annual CA (Corporate Associates) meeting in September. We’re not talking the measly 3-5 people at our usual end of project meetings. We’re talking 30-50 head honchos of the world’s biggest oil companies. Not to mention EGI’s director looming in the back with an eager look on his face that I perform well. This isn’t just an GIS presentation either, this is a technical performance on the tectonics and structural history of the region, in addition to our database. Little ‘ol me, playing with the big boys with their big toys.

To say I’m nervous is a slight understatment. Hence my inability to fall asleep.

gratitude

not really sure what i want to say with this entry. i saw the weblog on alli’s site.

www.babymckallister.blogspot.com

i knew i didn’t want to look, but of course, i did. thanks, alli! now i am just filled with a ton of emotion and yet, speechless and don’t really know what i want to say. today was kind of a testing day with skye. she couldn’t be comforted or entertained and i lacked the patience to keep up with her. why. why, after all that i’ve been through can i not just love her with infinite patience? why can i not fulfill her needs on demand and comfort her in the moment she needs it most? her cries can be so, so sad. a cry of deep melancholy. i wish i could just reach deep in her spirit and just know what she needs and deliver it on a silver platter. why is she so sad sometimes? i know babies cry. i know this. but still. why. and why does it affect me so profoundly. the video of the hinkley’s stillborn was unquestionably moving. how grateful am i to hear my daughter’s moody cries, and to be able to even try and comfort her, and receive her comfort in return. a life without skye is one i never want to imagine or live through. but i would, even it if only meant i would have the last 4 months and nothing more. the last short, four months of her life have been undoubtedly, the best of mine. benjam and skye are the most meaningful people this life has given me.  (and our families).  my job, my house, none of it compares to what our little family has together.

our horrific 2 year quiet struggle with infertility, the enduring 2 months of in vitro fertilization procedures, the painfully long 2 weeks waiting for the pregnancy test, the 9 months of pregnancy stress and the last anxious 10 minutes before her birth…every single second was worth just 1 minute of her warm, softness next to mine.